


it's different now

by akidyne



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Taako-centric, also i firmly believe that magnus is the human equivalent of a warm blanket, but they arent worth tagging bc its, canon divergent only in that the events of episode 58 aren't there, let the boys be happy, spoilers for ep 57 as well, taako vs. his brain round 1 FIGHT, theres also some other characters in there, v brief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 05:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10269260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akidyne/pseuds/akidyne
Summary: It must be well past three in the morning, and the state of the bureau reflects this. The moon is quiet, not a soul awake on the headquarter grounds, everyone soundly asleep in their beds. For the most part.And then, there’s Taako.





	

It must be well past three in the morning, and the state of the bureau reflects this. The moon is quiet, not a soul awake on the headquarter grounds, everyone soundly asleep in their beds. For the most part. 

And then, there’s Taako. 

He’d tried, he really had. He’d retired to his room early, even, leaving Johann and Angus, and Carey and Killian up listening to Merle and Magnus ramble off tales of their heroics. Normally, Taako would be there with them, sitting up late into the night regaling anyone who would listen with the stories of how outstanding he had been, waxing poetic about the way magic missile had looked in that specific lighting. This time, wasn’t like that, however. The story they had started telling was changed, and edited to be sharable to someone who hadn’t been there, someone who couldn’t understand. 

Instead of going into specifics about the heroic way Merle heroically swears lost his eye, he’d been laughing about having to take part in a trumped up dating show. And, of course, it was rigged because he hadn’t won; because who didn’t want a piece of that. Everyone had had a good laugh at that one, and Merle had smiled like he didn’t have anything else to say. 

And instead of describing the horrific feeling of literally being forced out of your body, being so close to death you could physically reach out toward it, Magnus had the room on the edge of their seats as he vividly described a fight with two evil liches that Taako barely even knew about. Because he had been lying on the ground, bleeding out. Dying. That’s about when Taako had dipped out. 

He’d tried to find some rest in his room, he really had. He’d gotten comfortable in his fortress of pillows and blankets and let his heavy eyes closed, and he’d tried to quiet his mind and fall into a deep, sombre trance. His mind, however, would not be reasoned with tonight. His thoughts grew more chaotic and disorganised in the silence of his room, with nothing there to distract him from himself. He replayed Wonderland over and over again, the worst parts, the parts that made his hands shake. He obsessed over what he could have done different, how he could have prevented such terrible things from happening to him; happening to his friends. 

He tried at this for hours, tossing and turning and telling himself that the tears that kept welling in the corners of his eyes weren’t there- and then he finally gave up. 

Taako sat up from his bed and stood up on a set of unsteady feet and left his room behind him, shutting the door quietly, so as not to disturb those with neighbouring rooms to his; let Merle and Magnus sleep. Gods know they deserve it as much, if not more than himself. He’d padded slowly down the halls, letting his restless legs go where they wanted, revelling in the way his mind had little to say as it honed in on crooked frames and shelves that needed dusting.

And that’s how he found himself here, standing in front of the large mirror outside the shared kitchen. It’s himself now, that he is so focused on, and his brain is not quiet anymore, but cannot find a cohesive thought to berate himself with. There is just some psychological equivalent of white noise, with the dial turned up as loud as it will go. 

It’s not the easiest thing in the world to accept that the person in the mirror is himself. Even in the dim light of the hallway, he’s still more than capable to see the way his skin has lost its glow; dry and dull with pores large enough he could count them, would count them, if dwelled on them any longer. Further down, his lips are chapped and cracking, and nowhere near as full as they once had been. He can’t resist the urge to run his hands up his face, dragging his nails up the length of it, pinching and pulling at the sallow skin, watching it contort in the mirror. It’s not him- yes it is. It is now, this is Taako. He can’t break his gaze away from himself as he runs his fingers through his long blond hair, laying lifelessly against his shoulders. His fingers get caught at the bottom, caught in tangled split ends. Methodically, he picks at the mats, trying to pull his hair into some semblance of its old self. He only makes it worse. 

“Taako?” 

Taako jumps, and drops his hair as if he’s just been caught doing something he shouldn’t, ripping his eyes away from the mirror. He yelps, but later on he’ll deny that part ever happened. Taako doesn’t get taken by surprise. 

Turning around, however, he is surprised a second time to find Magnus standing behind him like a ghost; blue spotted pyjama pants and those stupid dog slippers Carey got him. He looks rough, dark circles under his eyes, and a severe case of bedhead. Taako’s seen him like this before, it’s not like he’s never had trouble sleeping, but this time’s new. This time he’s marred with new, finer lines across his his face, flecks of grey painted into his dark hair. Taako swallows a lump in his throat. 

“Mags-” his voice cracks a little on the higher point of his name, and he clears his throat. “What- uh- It’s, like, super late, my guy.” 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Magnus admits in earnest, scratching at the hair on the nape of his neck. “Kind of seems like that’s contagious tonight.” 

“Uh- yeah,” Taako says dumbly, staring off somewhere to the left of his friend’s head. He wracks his brain for something to say, an excuse, a way out of this moment where Magnus is staring at him with enough concern in his eyes to convince Taako himself that he’s about to break into pieces. “Right! I was just about to brew up a pot of tea, see if it would help me settle.”

“Think you’ll make enough for two?”

“I don’t own the kitchen,” Taako retorts, with just enough edge to his voice that he feels bad. He forces out a strained laugh as he starts wandering toward the kitchen. “Legally, anyway. Still trying to convince the Director to annex it to me.” Magnus cracks a smile, and trails after him.

Magnus doesn’t say much, just sits at the table and lets his eyes follow Taako around the kitchen as he prepares their tea. Taako hates it, this feeling of being under the microscope, under scrutiny by someone else. He can’t stop himself as he launches off into a tangent to distract himself from the feeling of those prying eyes, the way they linger on face, drinking up his brand new piss poor complexion and no doubt comparing it to the beauty it held only days before. He can’t stop talking; if he does, the silence will drown him, that stare will eat him alive.

“And so of course, that’s when I said to her, ‘darling, do you really think I’m going to let you get away with matching fuschia to bright cyan?’” He has no real idea what he’s saying, no control over his mouth as it moves, regurgitating a story he’s pretty certain he’s probably told Magnus several times now- but looking at him, he seems content enough to listen to it again. The kettle yells at him to let him know that his water has boiled, and he’s never been so grateful for a moment to stop talking. He turns to Magnus, and chirps “tea time!” before setting about pouring the water into their mugs and taking a seat across the table from his friend. 

The uncomfortable quiet from before catches up to them, and this time, Taako can’t think of anything to say to chase it away, so he keeps his eyes down, fixated on his steeping tea, pretending he is alone in the kitchen. He didn’t even want the damn tea to begin with. 

“Taako?” He tenses, his initial reaction to ignore Magnus in the hopes that he won’t try again, but he will. That’s who Magnus is, persistent, nosy- never able to let sleeping dogs lie. 

“Yeah, Mags?” Taako sighs, looking up from his cup. Magnus’ eyes are, as he had expected, fixed firmly on him. Out of habit, he reaches to take his wrist in his hand, rubbing at the skin and focusing on the sensation of it.

“I know what you think of yourself, now,” he says quietly, so quietly the Taako almost pretends he didn’t hear it, try to give Magnus a second chance to rethink going down this route of dialogue. He swallows. “You think you aren’t beautiful anymore, because of Wonderland. But you still are.”

“Maggie, it’s a nice sentiment, and it’s real nice of you to say to try and make me feel better about it,” Taako chokes on a breath and turns it into a cough, looking over Magnus’ shoulder and pretending he doesn’t want to cry. “But I literally, per verbatim, gave up my beauty. That means that what’s left is, one hundie percent, the absence of beauty.” 

“I didn’t say it to be nice,” Magnus grumbles. “I really meant it. You’re beautiful.” 

Taako’s cheeks burn, and those tears he had been ignoring well in his eyes. It sounds like bullshit to him, but it feels so nice to hear someone say it- say it in earnest. He’s never felt this uncomfortable in years. Wiping away tears before they can fall, he feels the overwhelming urge to crawl inward, to escape into himself. 

“Why are you like this?” there is a sharpness to his voice that he can’t bring himself to do anything about. He doesn’t mean it, but he wants distance, even if it’s artificial. Even if he makes it, for just a moment. It’s enough to calm down, enough to come back. “Why do you care so much about me off all people? Look what happened to Merle! Look what happened to your own damn self for Gods’ sake!”

“Because not everyone feels pain the same way, Taako,” Magnus says like some kind of sage, leaning in across the small table, reaching out and taking one of his friend’s hands. They’re much smaller in comparison, and they are cold; and they are shaking. “You’re taking Wonderland the worst, and you’re allowed to. You’re not guilty for feeling bad for yourself.” 

“Merle is blind in one eye, Magnus,” Taako reminds him harshly, recoiling his hand away from the heat, curling in on himself. “And you- you nearly died. Your soul torn out of your body!” 

“But I’m still here!” He raises his voice in a way that is just so very Magnus, getting carried away over little things; getting swept up in bouts of strong emotion. He reaches out again, all but standing up to get Taako’s hand back in his, and with it he pulls Taako forward, close enough that he can’t bring himself to look away. “And that’s because of you, Taako. You jumped headfirst into the Astral Plane to bring me back. You saved my life.” 

Taako visibly deflates, and mumbles something under his breath. He looks down, away from Magnus’s dumb face, trying to focus on something other than anything he’s feeling right now. It’s not working.

“What did you say?”

“I said… this may sound a little cheesy-” Taako looks up, with tears welling in his eyes, and smiles, just a little smile. “But I couldn’t let you go.”

Magnus stares at him for a long second, and grins. Taako sits back in his chair, and uses his free hand to take a sip of his tea, now sitting on the border of ‘cold’. He leaves his other hand in the center of the table, wrapped in Magnus’ own. He leans back too, and takes a sip of his own tea, though his eyes only leave Taako for reluctant seconds. It weirds Taako out, having someone just hold his hand like it’s not a big deal, like this small amount of physical contact isn’t world shaking. 

It’s quiet, and his mind is reeling- spinning the same few thoughts over and over again, hoping to churn out some wisdom for the situation but ultimately not getting anywhere. He focuses hard on Magnus, on his myriad freckles and the feeling of his thumb tracing circles on the side of Taako’s own hand; and his world keeps spinning out of his control, but it slows down a little bit, just enough for Taako to get his bearings. 

He smiles out of nowhere, and Magnus cocks his head to the side, bemused look on his face.

“The grey looks nice,” Taako tells him. 

Magnus smiles broader, and chuckles, “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> first taz fic woo..! 
> 
> i put off working on my own d&d campaign that i am very behind on to write this bc the fic wouldn't leave me alone, enjoy the fruits of my fruitlessness . also this fic hasnt been proofread by anyone else so if somethings misspelled im sorry and if somethigns just egregiously wrong.. lemme kno.. gently 
> 
> trying to mcpost more on this mcsite..... cross those fingies boiz.
> 
> tumblr is xntiva also ;;u


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